When it comes to the family dynamics and relationships it’s crazy as, quite often, I’m asked where I studied for my psychology degrees. Usually my answer is that I got multiple PhD degrees in “psychology” studying at the “University of Family Life” Lol.

 

Now, there’s a number of accepted definitions of psychology, like the scientific study of the human mind and its functions or the scientific study of mental characteristics or attitudes of the mind.   

 

Perhaps the study of the mind is more of an art, than a science, in any event, I prefer keeping the definition simple, like the art of figuring out why we think the way we think and do the things we do. 

My “studies” at UFL in psychology began early in my life, while growing up in a loving but very chaotic and dysfunctional home. I am lucky number seven of ten siblings, with four sisters and five brothers. In these non-traditional "classes" I would learn just about EVERY excuse for NOT wanting to do something, like washing and drying the dishes. It was early in this crazy environment where I earned an "undergraduate degree" in Psychology, with an emphasis in Family and Sibling Survival Techniques.

 

It’s amazing how different our kids are from one another, right? In fact, they might even be quite opposite of each other. Sometimes I would wonder if we were even in the same family! And if we’re completely honest with ourselves, we might even find ourselves wanting to spend more time with one child versus another child.

Without making judgement, I would say that a root cause of the silence is most likely a feeling of abandonment. Abandonment doesn’t mean we left them, it just means we’re not engaged and paying attention to them, how they’re feeling and what they need. We’re disengaged!

  

It’s not that the silent child is neglected or abused, just forgotten or pushed aside.  

 

When this happens in a family dynamic, the other child or children can become silent and the longer the silence, the greater the noise will be when they feel a need to break their silence. 

 

The crazy thing is we become blind in recognizing this and the root causes of our child’s silence. In fact, the parent who is usually bonding the most with another sibling, has the bigger the blind spot in recognizing and discerning the silence. How do I know that? Because I was that parent!

How do you know you have a “star child?" I think you probably already know. Perhaps one child is getting more of the attention, more affirmations, more Facebook posts, more of your time, more of your money, and more of your energy planning and preparing their future.  

 

Or maybe one child gets more of the attention, further feeding that sibling’s ego, while silently pissing off the others. This lopsided attention in favor of the star compounded with the lack of time and attention for the silent child, is the foundation of sibling jealousy, resentment, and bitterness. It also leads to other disruptive family and marriage issues. However, that’s for another day and another blog!

 

With more time, money, and energy spent on the “star child," the other children don’t feel as loved, nor do they feel as worthy or valued. They feel forgotten, invisible, and even insignificant. They don’t make waves, they don’t complain.

 

 

But not forever! There will be a time when the water comes to a boiling point and they need to break the silence because they feel it’s the only way of getting the time and attention they really deserve.  

 

A lot of you know my oldest daughter, Bethanie. But you probably don’t know much about her younger sister, Alison. If not, that’s understandable. Many, many times, Alison was called "Bethanie’s sister."  

 

So, I’d like for you to get to know Alison better.

 

On Bethanie’s website (bmattek.com) she has this to say about Alison:

 

I started taking a greater interest in their interests. The attention changed and became more balanced. I attended piano lessons and soccer practices more frequently. I’d help them improve their kicks in soccer and jump shot in basketball, I’d work out with them, and I started traveling to their big competitions.  

 

I have to admit that attending a piano recital of kids under the age of 12 isn’t as engaging to me as attending a 12 and under Sectional or National Tennis Tournament. Watching a piano practice is much different than watching a soccer practice.  And then I realized...

 

You know that picture of the lovely young girl standing in the ocean? I’m starting to notice more and more, her happy face and less and less her silence! 

Recently, I received this text late at night, from my daughter, Alison.

 

And now you know Alison Mattek, the second of four Champions in my life.

 

Until next time...Tim